Vinushka

Good News, Bad News... and a Breakdown - December 2nd, 2008

As expected by anyone who even remotely knows me by this point... I was a total wreck already. Fretting over what to bring in the suitcase, what to wear (even though I'd decided that months in advance), and what to have signed should I get the chance to find Nora (the band's translator) and have her take it to them to get it signed.

So, naturally, the step after getting up and packing... was to unpack and repack four more times. In the process, I somehow lost track of several things: the things I wanted signed (later to be found inside the suitcase), and my nightshirt (which I failed to realize I did not pack until I arrived in Englewood on the night of the 4th). The missing items to be signed (Kyo's poem book aka 'the Holy Grail' and the book from the super deluxe oh-my-fucking-god-did-I-just-spend-my-paycheck-on-that version of Uroboros aka 'the Bhagavad Gita' - because it involves Sanskrit) were very precious to me and the lack of being able to find them for an extended period of time resulted in two panic attacks... until I found them hiding in plain sight in the suitcase. Obviously... I was already losing my mind.

Considering this, I simply repacked the stupid suitcase and moved to my office, settling in to read some fanfic to try to unclog the obviously sewage-filled passageways I had at some point deemed worthy of calling a brain. But when I impatiently wanted to know what time it was (to count the hours until we were leaving town, obviously), I picked up my cell phone and the time suddenly became unimportant. The little red messenger text informed me of 4 new missed alerts. It's actually something exceptional when I have that many alerts, so I checked it, scared that something had gone awry that I might not be able to fix. Or perhaps I had obtained that long-needed job!

The first two were something I didn't care about, stupid stuff that didn't really matter right away. The third was the important message - a message from Elya. It read something along the lines of 'I have good news and bad news... which do you want first?'. I was at a loss as I sat there, envisioning all the things that could be wrong. Perhaps she'd come down with something and was no longer able to go on the trip. Or maybe she was going to bail out for another reason all together. But then... what was this good news she spoke of if that were the case? My confused brain managed to focus for a few split seconds in which I mentally flipped a coin and opted for bad news. After all, I'm a severely negative person by nature and the bad news couldn't really be worse than I'd already invented in my head... right?

Right! Apparently some work affair had changed things so that she was left in charge of the book/music/video store she works for... completely. When I got the message on that though, my first instinct was to assume that more bad news followed that - something along the lines of that she couldn't go to Dir en grey because of that and was having to cancel. But then the next text came before I could even really reply... this one bearing the good news.

It was about mid-way though reading that message that I think that last little part of my brain that wasn't freaking out... decided it was necessary to simply vacate the premises and hide in hopes of finding a better owner who did not produce heart attacks at the mere mention of a fandom pairing or the three 'sacred' words (Dir en grey). You see... the message contained the very news I'd given up hope of at least a week prior.

I guess that requires some amount of explaining... doesn't it? She recently became the assistant store manager for her book/music/video store and had attended a sales conference a couple of months ago in which she spoke with the main representative for purchasing metal music for the company. Through flailing at the metal buyer, she managed to convince them that they needed to carry the new Dir en grey CD (Uroboros) and have it in stock in store... everywhere. The main rep obviously agreed to this and had gotten everything settled. At some point she'd been emailed that the record label (The End Records) wanted to do something nice for her as thanks. She had flailed at them and asked if this 'something' could possibly be tickets to a meet and greet with the band for our already planned Englewood, CO date of the tour. Of course, with a shortage of any news, I had simply assumed they'd fallen through on it and that it wasn't going to happen.

And... of course... I was also wrong. They had come through! At the very last minute... but all the same, they somehow started calling her the Uberfan and had procured 'passes' (note the plural) for her to get a meet and greet with the band. This, naturally, was the good news... and the time in which my brain cells vacated premises and I became a slack-jawed, dazed-eyed, drooling idiot.

Four flying objects later (thrown at me by my husband to awaken me from my strange stupor), I finally realized I was, in fact, still alive.

Long story short... I flailed at her by going to her store and then went home, fiddled around on the internet for a while, and tried to sleep (please note the tried part).

Departure from Albuquerque, New Mexico - December 4th, 2008 - 8am

I left my house and picked up my dad (Larry) around 7:30am. By 8am we had picked up Elya and were on our way out of town... on our way to Colorado to see Dir en grey.

Granted, we managed to get the very last stop as the one we could attend, but we faced it as something that could only make things better. There would be no way the band would be 'burned out' or anything more than their 200% selves, as per the usual.

Later, we would find that we were right in all of those assumptions and that the best things had yet to come. But, for then, we simply took the next step and faithfully followed our route to get us from homestead to hotel.

We got to somewhere around Colorado Springs without any trouble and then it started to snow. Naturally... on every trip, something must go wrong. In this case, it was our windshield washer fluid. It froze in the lines due to Colorado being much too cold for the type of fluid we had in the reservoir. The crap kicked up from the interstate made the rest of the trip in from Colorado Springs to Denver very slow going - stopping every few minutes to clean the windows off with the liquid we had (coffee).

But, even with all of that, we got into town in one piece and managed to get to the hotel and check in. Once we'd unloaded the car, we settled down and used the method of contact we had to figure out what to do about the meet and greet.

We found out then (5pm) that the boys were in Salt Lake City and headed our way. We were also instructed to make contact again before 5pm the following day with... none other than Nora. Of course, this being us... we were giddy with excitement.

The rest of the night was spent with all of us cracking jokes and talking on the random topics that I usually end up with. At some point, I'd managed to develop a cold which was progressively getting worse. More than that, the friend we were meeting (Tabitha) had texted me to tell me her pneumonia had gotten worse and she was going against doctor's orders to come to the concert. I told her that I naturally would ignore the doctor... because it was Dir en grey. She said she'd be there around 4:15am at our hotel and then we all got some rest.

My cold kept me up most of the time, the draining of my nose putting my throat in agony. I finally fell asleep along about 3:40am....

Morning - December 5th, 2008 - 4:20am

... Only to be woken up by Tabitha's appearance at our hotel. The call on my cell phone came in and I simply rolled over, thinking it was a nice song and lovely that someone was obviously playing JRock loud enough for me to hear it. The banging on the door a bit after that only served to make me wonder what the noise was and roll over until Elya gestured in the vague direction of the door and mumbled, "Friend."

I stumbled over to the door and opened it after considering that it could be an axe-wielding murderer instead of Tabitha. I couldn't see because without my contacts or glasses, I'm very close to being legally blind. But it was Tabby, not an axe-wielding murderer and that was pleasant. We hit it off from moment one and I was pleased.

I'd been planning on getting in line around 5am, but then figured we needed the sun up in order to go out there. It had snowed and us being from Albuquerque, we were very cold already. Plus, I could still remember how frozen I'd been last time (Inward Scream, when I actually killed all the nerves in my pinky toe through frostbite). We decided to wait until the sun was up.

Larry's hip that he recently had an operation on was killing him and so he said he'd join us in line at a later point in time. We headed out and got there around 7am. There were already a lot of people in the line, which surprised me since it had been really freaking cold the night before. Apparently the first people had been out there since 1am (that group included Waru and Big Red, which pleased me to no end).

The people behind us in line were really nice as well, especially Lori. Tabitha and us all got along wonderfully and we're so dragging her to more concerts after this!

The channel 7 (I think) news guy came out and did some line interviews, including Elya and myself. We talked about the Dir en grey National Street Team and how Dir en grey can't really be classified as anything except themselves. Basically, I didn't want to call them a conglomeration of various other bands like the magazines had been. It was really cool to just be randomly interviewed by the news guy!

When the bus came, I sadly had to move the car from the parking lot... and around the block. I ran back as well as I could while slipping all over the place because of the snow and ice. By the time I got back, they'd decided to park the bus behind the venue rather than beside it and use the alleyway to drive the bus in instead. Minor fail.

Elya and I went looking for a place to use the restroom and decided on asking the guy (the owner it turns out) from the car lot next to the venue (Colorado Classics LLC) since he'd been nice to us earlier in the morning when asking about who we were lined up to see. He was very agreeable and let us use the restroom.

When we came back out, the tour bus was parked where the door was right behind the car lot. We asked if we could stay in the lot and watch the bus and the owner (Eric) agreed with a smile and an understanding nod. Soon enough, Die came out of the bus for a smoke and we just peered around a truck to watch him without disturbing him.

He obviously knew we were there, as he continued walking around, disappearing behind both the bus and an SUV that was blocking our view. But at one point, he poked his head out from behind the SUV while I was peering at him and grinned, then pulled his head back, disappearing. So, in effect, we played peek-a-boo with Die! ♥ He smoked a few cigarettes before going back inside the bus.

At about 4pm we went to the car to stow our blankets and chairs and to corset Elya, since she'd not had it on until then. Tabitha went to her car to pick up some things. She was parked directly behind the venue. Suddenly, we hear her holler at us to come over there and she's pointing at the back doors of the Gothic Theater.

We grab the corset and rush over, seeing Die across the expanse of parking lot where he's idly smoking by the back doors. Some roadies were still unloading equipment from the trailer behind the bus as well, though not at a frantic pace.

Elya gets this idea and suddenly starts shucking her many jackets and then shoves the corset at me, going, "Lace me. Now." I start laughing and grab it, making her turn around and grab the electric pole to hang on to while I helped her put on the corset. Then I start to lace her, now grinning like the sadistic little shit I really am. You see, I don't lace corsets nicely... I lace them like you would in a fetish porn - with huge jerking motions that make the wearer squeal.

Still staring at Die, I grab the first lace and pull, then the second and then the third. At that point, Tabitha drops her camera on the ground and Elya cries out from the corseting job I'm doing. When I look away from Die, he's by the edge of the cement step-up and smoking while three or four roadies wander around getting equipment.

I start to lace the bottom after finishing the top and glance back over to see if Die's still there. He had migrated to the door of the venue and what had once been three or four roadies had turned into at least ten people (still including Die)... now gawking at us as I corseted Elya. Laughing, I continued with my job and finished up.

Around 4:30pm, Elya contacted Nora, as she was told to. And we got news that I never thought could happen. We were told to meet Nora at the front doors at 5 till 5pm... for sound check. The instant I heard the news, I freaked out. I had been leaning on a thigh high brick wall and proceeded to slide down it and start crying. I'm pretty sure I looked more shell-shocked than anything. Sound check... the elusive beast I never thought I'd have the privilege to lay eyes on. I mean sure, you can hear it distorted from outside the venue, but it's hardly the same thing as standing there, staring at the stage while they do it. I got the freaking out, out of my system and we quickly went and grabbed my makeup to reapply it.

We then grabbed the band's gifts and ran back to the line to get Larry. Once we had, we went to wait in front of the doors for Nora.

Sound Check

Nora came and retrieved us about when she said she would, sending us inside with instructions on where to stand at. We got in on the first level (bar level) and went to the rail where we stood quietly, awaiting this elusive beast called sound check.

Kuroo was messing around with Kaoru's guitars, then Toshiya's basses, moving on to Die's guitars. At some point during his migration, Kaoru and Toshiya appeared, coming out to actually check out their own instruments. Not long after Shinya and Die both came out and started sound check as well.

They started to actually run through parts of songs - and let me tell you, that's something incredible. Hearing them without any vocals, hearing pieces and parts of each one was an enlightening experience to say the least.

Those of you reading this that know me, already know that I am a total Die and Kyo fangirl. My latest addition to that has been Kaoru, after figuring out some of his parts that I hadn't previously known on certain songs and loving them to death (electric guitar at the end of -mushi- anyone?).

A long time ago, part of my hearing was taken away by an ear infection, rendering some of my bass levels completely gone in one ear. Then about a year ago, I got another ear infection that went untreated and took away essentially all bass-level hearing in both ears. It would all come through as fuzzy white-noise-ish type stuff that didn't really do anything but annoy. In essence, drums and bass are very hard to appreciate when you can't really hear them. The day before we left, my ears popped (an agonizing experience that made me actually cry) and I could suddenly hear a lot of things I hadn't been able to for the past year. That last part of my hearing that had been taken away was given back to me (by the musical gods, duh!). But anyway... to the point.

Basically, listening to sound check dropped my jaw. I earned a whole new respect for both Shinya and Toshiya in the time that we spent in there. Shinya's drum set is absolutely amazing and being able to finally pick out Toshiya's parts because they were adjusting levels was phenomenal.

Then the biggest shock of all happened. I looked away for a moment to try to stop the stupid tears that crept up on me and when I looked back... Kyo was standing there. My breath caught and held as I stared at this man - my idol, my outlet - as he blinked blearily at us and began sound check. Needless to say, I ended up crying anyway, despite all my best efforts not to. (Note: the entire band is special to me, but when I'm truly down, it's Kyo's voice that I end up counting on so much. I let him get out what I can't, let him scream for me when I need it, and let him express my pain.)

You could tell he'd just woken up by the way he started the check, like he was trying to get going (you know how it is in the morning when you're kinda still grumpy and want to go back to sleep, but know you have to be awake anyway). After he'd warmed up a little, he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

From there, he finished his sound check (which was actually surprisingly quite a bit), and then wandered back off-stage. The other members continued on with the check, going through a number of the songs in the set-list (not complete songs, but parts) as they checked and adjusted things. At one point, they lost sound for kit 2 of Shinya's drums but it was just a loose cord that they plugged back in.

After they were all done, everyone left the stage except Toshiya, who stuck around to fiddle with a few more things with Kuroo before he hugged a few of the roadies and wandered off-stage. We waited on Nora to see what would happen next. Die came out to mill around in the pit area, dressed all warmly, and peered up at us while we stood there with his head kind of cocked off to the side. (Wonder what he was thinking....) Eventually, he too wandered off and Nora came back to tell us that some of them had slipped off to go to dinner and that we'd do the meet and greet with the VIP winners from 'The End Records' contest.

We said okay and all filed back out to wait on that. I was completely in a daze. Basically, we'd just been given a partial personal concert (I know it's sound check, shut up and let me have my damn dreams!). Waru was out there shaking, so Elya and I attached ourselves to her to warm her up.

VIP Meet and Greet

We got let in maybe two minutes before everyone else and just stood in the lobby. Nora had told us to meet her on the upper tier at 7:30, so we finally got some merchandise and Larry went and put his coats on the chairs to reserve where he was sitting up on the balcony.

The other people in line poured in and we waited, talking about how the sound check was and if we'd gotten everything we wanted from the merch-booth. Finally, Nora showed up and we were all led down to the side of the stage where we slipped into the hallway on stage right (Die's side). We were told no hugging or kissing the band (I found it odd to have to tell us not the kiss them, but then again there must be some retards in the world who would find this acceptable).

It wasn't but a minute later that the guys filed in: Kaoru, Die, Toshiya, and Shinya. Naturally, no Kyo, but then I didn't really expect him. These two idiot girls ended up screaming and making Kaoru and Die tense up. I cringed and whispered "faillll" just loud enough that Kaoru gave me this half-amused look. Die didn't hear me, but he looked significantly grumpy after that. I feel really annoyed that those girls did that. I didn't appreciate the sound and I'm certain the guys didn't either.

Now, granted, I freaked out when I met Kyo in LA and did yell, "Oh my god, it's Kyo!". But there's a huge difference to doing that while you're in a very large space while there's a ton of other loud noise going on (we were having to yell to hear one another anyway in LA) and doing that in a very enclosed space such as the stairwell. For one, it hurts ears. For another, uh... they know who did it just screaming without even saying anything? *head desk* Crying, I get. Having a panic attack, I get. Even flailing, I get. I don't know... maybe I'm being a bitch because we were there in a professional capacity, but I was actually embarrassed to be standing anywhere near the screamers. Anyway, enough of my ranting... had to get that out.

So we were told to go to whoever we wanted to first. I had a quick moment of deliberation, since both Kaoru and Die were right in front of me. But I decided to go with first person in line first, since I'd hit Kaoru up second during Inward Scream. I stepped up to him, smiled (at least I hope it was a smile, I was still kinda miffed at the girls), and then gave him his present. He took it and glanced at it while I wrestled around with my stuff to get out the book that was included in my copy of Uroboros and hold it out to him. He kept this little smile (you know the one, the cute tiny Kaoru smile) as he took it and signed it, then handed it back to me. I tucked the book back against me and held out my hand, giving him what can only be described as 'puppy dog eyes'. He shook my hand and I said, "Arigatou" and bowed a little. He nodded his head and smiled a little more. His hand was incredibly soft and his handshake was... almost timid. His hands are so small! Now I know why he complains about them. But I personally, like them. I couldn't help but stare at his tattoos when I shook his hand. It pleased me.

I then migrated to Die. He went from looking like he was gonna kill someone to at least not being grumpy. No epic Die smile or anything, but he looked kind of relieved (gee, wonder why... someone partly sane *snort*). I gave him his present in the shiny silver bag and then handed him the book and he signed it as well, then gave it back to me. I held out my hand to see if he'd shake it and he didn't seem to be annoyed that I wanted to. He took my hand and shook it. His handshake was more firm than Kaoru's, but not crushing or anything. I couldn't stop staring at his face long enough to look at his hand, but that's okay. His hand was about the same temperature as mine, whereas Kaoru's had been warmer. (I'm always cold, so my hands are like ice. Guess he has the same problem!) I said, "Arigatou" and bowed a little. He nodded his head and flashed me a really fast, tiny smile. I feel so special that I got that, considering how pissed he'd suddenly looked when the girls screamed and how displeased he continued to look after that. Then again, I was probably grinning at him like some kind of idiot... hard to not at least kinda smile when I do that.

(Note: Elya had Toshiya and Shinya's gifts, since we'd both kind of agreed to do it that way.)

I had to pause to wait on someone to move in order to get to Toshiya. When I did, he smiled at me and held out his hand for the book. I handed it to him and he signed it on the back cover, giving it back. Then he did the same thing he had during Inward Scream: he held out his hand to me. He's always so personable. I know Die's got the reputation for being the smiling, happy one. But Toshiya's under-appreciated for that, I think. I shook his hand. He shakes about the same way Die does, but his hands aren't ice cold. I smiled at him and said, "Arigatou" and gave him a slight bow. He bowed his head in return.

I then got completely stuck waiting to get out from in front of him and up the stairs to Shinya. I felt kind of bad for holding up the line, but the guy filming stuff that I'd completely missed seeing before that was in my way. He moved when someone in front of him moved and I finally got up to Shinya. I handed him the book and he singed on the front cover along with Kaoru and Die. His marker was running out though, so it's a bit less dark than the others. He handed it back and I held out my hand. He shook it and smiled at me as I blurted out, "Arigatou" while he was still shaking my hand.

Once I let go, I moved up one more step to Nora and gave her the present for Kyo. It was then that she seemed to remember we had given them gifts and she called, in English, for the guys to pass the gifts up to her. They did, which was actually cool to watch (yeah, I'm lame like that, shut up). I couldn't stop staring at them all. I had the top step and the best view to see them all while they did the other signings. I seriously saw nothing but them. I was in my own world of bliss. When the screamer girls passed Die, he looked really miffed. I'd never actually seen grumpy Die before... at least not like that.

People started taking pictures with them, something I'd neglected to remember to do until I was at the top of the stairs. I mean, every other time it has been strict 'no photos' in the rules, so remembering was difficult. I guess that was my fail for the day. But it was only minor fail, since Nora realized that Elya, Larry, Tabitha and I had all forgotten to do that and told us we were to stay and we'd just do group pictures. Considering how few of those there actually have been circulating, that's something special too, I think. I gave her my camera.

I managed to get in between Kaoru and Die, which pleased me to no end. Elya got next to Shinya. Tabitha was between Kaoru and Toshiya, and Larry was next to Toshiya. Nora took a few pictures for us and I was really happy she didn't just take one on my camera, but two - like any photographer should in any situation.

The guys had to get to an interview before the show, so they had to go. I had Nora try to take Kyo's poem book to him to get it signed, knowing this was unlikely to happen. But if there's one thing Larry ever taught me, it was that the worst thing that I can ever be told is 'no', so therefore always try. Turns out that he didn't sign it, but hey, that's okay. We saw him warming up his voice, so I'm fine with that.

We all left the stairwell and filed back out onto the main floor. (It just randomly occurred to me that I can now start conversations with "So I met Dir en grey in a stairwell..." *dies laughing*) Some people were glaring at us, so I figured trying to get in the pit right then was a bad, bad idea. We went up the stairs and to the balcony where Larry had reserved chairs. People had moved stuff onto one chair only, so there was just that and nothing else when we got up there. Eventually, Tabitha got a seat, which is good, because I didn't want her to brave the pit with her pneumonia. I deliberated staying up on the balcony and decided I had to get back down to Die's side in the pit area or I knew I'd regret it later. I ended up with a terrific view from the right side edge.

The Human Abstract

The Human Abstract had started playing by the time I got over to my spot, but I hadn't missed much of it. I had been determined to try to see them (even if the meet and greet had been during their set, I had said I wanted to see at least one song) because their songs off the myspace page were amazing. I guess what I mean is I was actually looking forward to the opening band.

So I take my spot and immediately realize that I need to get in a bit more than I am, because where I was standing, the security kept going right in front of me. Uh, no way in hell I wanted that during the entire show. I finally got in front of a really tall guy who came by and stopped in front of me. He was very nice about letting me back in front of him so I could see. I appreciate things like that so much. Nice people in the pit - very lovely thing.

Anyway, back to what I'm supposed to be talking about in this section... duh. I really enjoyed their set, they didn't make me wish like hell they were done and they managed to keep my attention. The guitarist (stage right) kept doing this amazing head-bang-flailing thing with his hair, which was really long. It's cool he didn't get it tangled up in his guitar and he was really into the show. I'm glad he was on Die's side of the stage so I could watch him.

At several points, I could swear the vocalist has been picking things up from Kyo. Just the way he pulled off some pieces of his performance, the inflections and the screams, stuff like that. The entire band seemed really into their performance, which is something I can say about fewer and fewer bands these days. I hate going to a concert and feeling like I'm listening to a CD and being able to be so distracted I can just stare at the floor and be happier than I was staring at the band. But The Human Abstract kept my attention and for that I'm thankful.

Their set ended and I didn't actually hear anyone boo, which was a huge change from Inward Scream (thank god). I'd have honestly tried to get an encore if I thought people around me wouldn't kill me for trying. Seeing as how I was so far having good luck with the pit, I decided to keep my mouth shut on that and just scream to let them know they did good. I also made a mental note to pick up their CD after the show, since I'd failed and forgotten it before the show.

Breakdown and Setup

The Human Abstract was actually very fast about breaking down and since Dir en grey was already set up from sound check, then all they had to do was move some of the equipment forward a bit and then set up the microphones and Kyo's stand. Die's requisite fan was in place, which amused me.

I knew I'd be entertained by the setup, mainly because of Kenji and Kuroo. Kenji came out with his Mohawk up and I was quite surprised. Kaoru had blogged about him being cute and not wearing his hair up anymore (which he sounded vaguely sad about), so I'm convinced Kenji did it just for Kaoru (hush and let the fangirl dream). Anyway, that man is truly hot - no wonder everyone was flailing over him. Kaoru's picture of him in his blog does him no justice.

He tested out Shinya's drums for us, which received excited squeeing from members of the crowd. It was cool. I couldn't stop staring at that hair... or his ass. He has a very nice ass... no, seriously. He may be staff and not the band, but damn it, he's hot and I see no problem in saying it.

Kuroo was wandering around setting up as well. Normally, I'd be watching him more, since he's Die's usual guitar tech, but I was so damn distracted by Kenji. Sorry, Kuroo, baby - I owe you.

Dir en grey (in other words... the shit you actually came to read this review for)

Set List (not in order):
Sa Bir
Obscure
Grief
Agitated Screams of Maggots
Disabled Complexes
The Fatal Believer
Toguro
Agitated Screams of Maggots - Unplugged -
Ryoujoku no Ame
Acapella
Conceived Sorrow
Glass Skin
The Final
Hydra -666-
Merciless Cult
Dozing Green
The Deeper Vileness
Repetition of Hatred

~Encore~
Kodou
Gaika, Chinmoku ga Nemuru Koro
- Saku -
Clever Sleazoid
The IIID Empire

The lights dimmed even more and 'Sa Bir' began to play over the speakers. My heart jumped in my chest and chills crawled up the length of my spine. This was it... this was really it. Shinya came out first, coming around his drum set to Die's side and getting in that way. Die was next, coming over and immediately getting his guitar. Kaoru and Toshiya came out (I couldn't see which order, I think about the exact same time) and then, finally, Kyo. The screaming of the crowd was loud, intense and pumped - just as with Inward Scream. I'd heard reports of not being able to hear Sa Bir over the crowd, but they'd have had to be ear-shattering to do so in the Gothic Theater.

'Sa Bir' ended and the intro to 'Obscure' began. The guys launched into it with a fiery vengeance and thus began the descent into that feeling that I only get from Dir en grey concerts. It's along the lines of falling into another world, a place where you don't have anything to worry about. The band exists, the crowd exists, and you exist - nothing more.

I had my camera with me and I did my best to take pictures while not really paying attention to my camera at all. I didn't want to watch the entire show though a camera lens and I'd promised myself no matter what my ambitions are for being a photographer, I was not going to lose myself in that during the show. Dir en grey is not just any old show - to me, they are a huge part of my life.

It wasn't long before I noticed that there was a guy with a huge video camera recording not only the show, but also the crowd. I get the impression that he was recording the tour final for a DVD. I hope like hell that I'm right. There was also a camera mounted on Shinya's drum set filming us and likely Kyo from behind. All we can do is pray.

I am trying so hard and I cannot remember the exact order of the set list. I got so completely into it, that I was just going with the flow, not making a mental list of the exact songs played when. So, sorry if any of my following comments are out of order.

'Dozing Green' was just as good live as I thought it would be. I kept watching Die because he was playing with the camera guy right below him. He kept licking his lips and doing his my-guitar-is-attached-to-my-cock thing that he does. His hand has to move so fast for parts of that song! It's amazing.

Screaming "psycho killer" during 'Disabled Complexes' was so much fun. The entire pit was screaming it and I could still hear Kyo over them, even when he didn't have his mic right in front of his mouth (and trust me, we weren't being quiet).

'Toguro' - Die was so damn into that song. And Kyo, oh my god, Kyo. I had visualized what I thought he'd do live with that song... and he was damn near copying the images I'd had in my head. I was floored and amazed and... probably drooling.

'Agitated Screams of Maggots - Unplugged -' was absolutely beautiful live. I had suspected it was simply one of those things that you cannot get the proper feeling of when recorded in the studio and I was right. I'd even seen one live recording of it from someone and that had not done justice either. Kyo's back was to me the entire time, but that didn't make it have any less impact. Thankfully, my side of the pit was mostly quiet during it, letting the atmosphere surround us and pull us about as far into despair as possible. I didn't cry and I'm not sure how I didn't - willpower I suppose. I got some shots of Kyo from that part that I will seriously deliberate using as a study of the human back.

The instant 'Conceived Sorrow' started, I couldn't decide where to look - Kyo or Die. I ended up staring at Die a good portion of the time, mainly because he was on acoustic and I have always dreamed of watching him play acoustic live. I know I forgot to breathe so many times during the song because I was so involved in it. I thought it was beautiful on the CD... I was wrong. Beauty is in the live performance, so deeply it forces you along with it. There are not enough words to describe how I felt or how the song sounded - you just had to be there. What got me really good, was that Die was singing right along with Kyo for a good portion of it. We couldn't hear him, but I'm pretty sure he was doing the same thing I was, which was singing under my breath so I could still hear Kyo. That made me deliriously happy.

We had so much fun during '- Hydra 666 -' screaming the 666 parts and cheering more while Toshiya and Die tried to get us even more pumped up.

'Merciless Cult' was amazing as always. I love that song live for how it filters through from mostly calm to something you feel like you need to all-out scream for. It's guaranteed to get everyone going and it did a damn good job of it as usual.

'Grief', 'The Deeper Vileness', and 'Repetition of Hatred' were something I had actually been waiting on. While it had taken me a while to love them when they first came out, I had grown to want them. As with any songs that hard, they naturally got us riled up to the breaking point. Our side of the pit was moving around but not full out moshing, mostly head-banging. But I heard that Kaoru's side was actually moshing quite a bit - I'm sure these were the songs where it got most intense over there.

During 'Gaika, Chinmoku Ga Nemuru Koro' I ended up watching Shinya... when Die would let me. It was like he had a sixth sense that told him my eyes weren't on him or Kyo and that he had to get me to look at him again. It was actually really amusing. He'd move enough for me to see Shinya directly and I'd start staring, then he'd come right back into the way and do something stunning with the way he was playing. Silly Die! Anyway, Shinya's drumming on that song is nothing short of astounding.

'Cleaver Sleazoid', I basically put my camera in my pocket and rode the song out in a frenzy of head-banging and allowing myself to scream/sing right along with Kyo. I love having fun with this song and I had known for certain that I was going to let myself have the song completely without anything in my hands. I was out of breath and hot by the time it was over - and so damn happy.

Ending with 'The IIId Empire' was an amazing way to do it. So much energy and everything. Kaoru gave us a visit during the song and I was thrilled. He looked really pleased and I couldn't take my eyes off him the entire time he was there.

Random bits that I can't remember what songs they were from, so I'm tossing them in here:

Die's guitar skills never stop flooring me. His fingers have to move so fast at times and then the way he kept ending things with a total flourish. He was showing off so bad for the cameras and I couldn't have been happier that he was. We got tongue at least five times. At one point, one of his guitars started smoking and at the end of the song when he handed it off to the roadie, it was like he couldn't wait to get rid of it. Makes me wonder that was actually going on with it and if it needs repair now.

Kyo came on stage with a hard-on and kept it through most of our show. Needless to say, it made this fanfic writer a very happy person. He can keep wearing those track pants if he wants to, because... damn. Talk about accentuating it very nicely. His dancing has gotten even better than it was before, the way he moves so fucking sexy it's not even funny. Someone give that man a pole!

People had been saying Die and Kaoru were not moving around a lot. Die at least was moving tons. When I looked over at Kaoru and Toshiya, they always seemed to be head-banging in tandem. It was like watching two perfectly choreographed dancers... only with head-banging rather than dancing. Maybe no one notices Kaoru doing things because Toshiya does them at the exact same time?

Die's fan was pointed wrong and annoying him at one point, so he simply kicked it. I ended up laughing, because he was so adorable when he did it.

At the end, Toshiya's bass is supposed to be suspended in the air by four guide wires. Well... his microphone cord was over it and he tried to get it out of the way, but failed to in time and everything ended up tumbling over into the floor. Thankfully, Toshiya being Toshiya, he was good-natured about it and just went with it like 'oh well, oops *grin*'. I wasn't on his side, but he strikes me as the type to have been laughing himself silly over it afterward.

Kyo left pretty fast, as per the usual. The guys all threw out picks to us, clearing off their entire stashes of them off the stands and tossing them out into the crowd. Shinya threw out three drumsticks and three drum covers. I know someone near me got one of the covers... well, part of it anyway. It got ripped up cause they got in a fight over it - go figure. I didn't get one of Die's picks, which was one of my kinda-goals for the show. I was a bit sad, but not overly so. After all, who could be with all I'd already gotten?

Uroboros CD Signing

I hung out basically where I'd been standing the entire time, waiting on the signing, assuming it'd be next to the stage, since that made the most sense with the barrier and all. Turned out I was right, so score there. Talked with Big Red, Elya, and Tabitha while waiting.

I didn't actually see the guys come out, but it ended up being Shinya and Toshiya. Now, some of you might know something I'd said about how I would have been sad if it was them (because of my ears and how I hadn't been able to hear them for the most part - how can one possibly enjoy what one cannot hear?). But, let me tell you this - I regret those words ever coming out of my mouth. I was nothing short of ecstatic to see them there. I think, in a way, I was more happy to see them because I'd said that and I felt like this was the universe telling me I was wrong, proving to me that I could love them just as much as Kaoru, Die, and Kyo. And I do.

I have such a huge new respect for them both. I was grinning stupidly by the time I got up there to them. Shinya gave me this huge smile when I held the insert to the Uroboros CD out to him (I had it on top of the CD case and both my hands on the bottom of it). He took hold of it to help steady it and ended up putting his hand right over my right one under the case. I said, "Thank you" and he smiled big again and told me, "Arigatou".

Toshiya had a huge smile on his face as well when I held the CD out to him, the same was as I had to Shinya. He ended up stabilizing it with his hand over my left hand under the case. I said, "Thank you" and he and he actually grinned at me - I mean a full-out toothy grin. Then he said, "Thank you" and lightly squeezed my hand before he'd let the CD case go.

I'm sure I was grinning like a moron by then because it was so obvious that they both remembered me from the VIP meet and greet earlier. I ended up waiting up next to the bar for Elya and Tabitha, just kind of standing there looking really dazed while I put the insert back in my CD case.

We ended up picking up a bit more from the merch booth, including the CD from The Human Abstract, which I ended up getting signed while Elya and I talked with the guitarist who'd been on Die's side (Dean Herrera). He was a really nice guy and we told them that they need to come to Albuquerque and play Sunshine (and to stay far away from Tingley).

We said our goodbyes to Tabitha after that and we went our separate ways, something I was actually quite sad to do. I wanted to keep her and squirrel her away and take her home with me. She's a sweetheart and a great person and I'll always remember this concert not just for what it was, but for it being the day I made another really good friend. Tabby, baby... don't ever leave me, okay?

I guess, in conclusion... my life is complete and I had to find a new goal. Seeing Dir en grey's sound check was something I never thought I'd get to do - plus experiencing everything that I did... I just... yeah. *heavenly sigh* My next goal, you ask? To be allowed to actually professionally photograph them and to meet them all again (including the elusive Kyo). I know, that's colossal, isn't it? *laughs*

Random side note... Toshiya's hair isn't ugly or anything. I love it. I do agree though, he looks like Zorg from the 5th Element a bit, especially with the soul patch. XD

And then what you really care about... the pictures!